July 18th, 2018
It's been nearly two weeks since the diagnosis and I have to say that there is some truth wisdom in the phrase, 'Time heals all wounds." Let me clarify, my wounds are not healed and my personal belief is that while a wound can heal, a scar may forever remain in its place. However, the past two weeks have granted me time to research, time to find online support groups, time to connect with other parents whose child or children have been in similar circumstances and time to ride the emotional roller coaster that endlessly encounters guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy, etc. a million times over. Even though it has slowed down greatly, I'm still on the ride as I'd gone a couple of days without crying at the thought or sound of cleft, but today has included a couple breakdowns.
Through a friend, I was put in contact with another mama of a child born with a cleft lip and palate and our conversations have been so helpful. She had some helpful suggestions in allowing myself time to grieve the loss of the perfect, healthy pregnancy and child I had so strongly expected to receive, to not feel rushed in getting to the acceptance stage. That was good to hear as I know my internal dialogue was telling myself to hurry up, thinking that as soon as I accept the circumstances, others will too. The honest truth is that I'm not there yet. I know that my son has a cleft lip and most likely a cleft palate too so I'm not denying reality, but my mind and emotions need more time to grieve, to process and to create a new visual of what life looks like in just a few short months from now. Beyond the boring, traditional pregnancy, birth and transport home from the hospital that I so longed for, there are other aspects to my emotional turmoil as well. I'm worrying about my son's health and well-being in utero, birth and beyond. I'm concerned about the time, expense and intensity that the specialized treatment will entail. I'm fearful of the strain that this experience will have on my family (my relationship with husband, my relationship with my 3 year olds, the relationship between the siblings). I'm nervous about my ability to balance my professional and personal lives with the addition of a child with special needs. And the worries continue from there...
I feel like I had this clear, detailed vision of what my future was going to look like and while I know that life throws curveballs, this particular pitch hit me right in my mind's eye and has knocked me off my feet. I will rebuild recreate that vision of my future, in time.
It's been nearly two weeks since the diagnosis and I have to say that there is some truth wisdom in the phrase, 'Time heals all wounds." Let me clarify, my wounds are not healed and my personal belief is that while a wound can heal, a scar may forever remain in its place. However, the past two weeks have granted me time to research, time to find online support groups, time to connect with other parents whose child or children have been in similar circumstances and time to ride the emotional roller coaster that endlessly encounters guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy, etc. a million times over. Even though it has slowed down greatly, I'm still on the ride as I'd gone a couple of days without crying at the thought or sound of cleft, but today has included a couple breakdowns.
Through a friend, I was put in contact with another mama of a child born with a cleft lip and palate and our conversations have been so helpful. She had some helpful suggestions in allowing myself time to grieve the loss of the perfect, healthy pregnancy and child I had so strongly expected to receive, to not feel rushed in getting to the acceptance stage. That was good to hear as I know my internal dialogue was telling myself to hurry up, thinking that as soon as I accept the circumstances, others will too. The honest truth is that I'm not there yet. I know that my son has a cleft lip and most likely a cleft palate too so I'm not denying reality, but my mind and emotions need more time to grieve, to process and to create a new visual of what life looks like in just a few short months from now. Beyond the boring, traditional pregnancy, birth and transport home from the hospital that I so longed for, there are other aspects to my emotional turmoil as well. I'm worrying about my son's health and well-being in utero, birth and beyond. I'm concerned about the time, expense and intensity that the specialized treatment will entail. I'm fearful of the strain that this experience will have on my family (my relationship with husband, my relationship with my 3 year olds, the relationship between the siblings). I'm nervous about my ability to balance my professional and personal lives with the addition of a child with special needs. And the worries continue from there...
I feel like I had this clear, detailed vision of what my future was going to look like and while I know that life throws curveballs, this particular pitch hit me right in my mind's eye and has knocked me off my feet. I will r