November 17, 2018
I am a firm believer in signs from God, our guardian angels and spirit guides. I am a firm believer in serendipity and purposeful/intentional circumstances and encounters that bring key components of God's plan together. I have countless examples of these sacred occurrences taking place in my life and more often than not, they come in difficult times. Although not always clear in the present moment, clarity and understanding eventually emerge and suddenly there are answers to questions, peace replaces angst, and faith is amplified to whole new levels.
Honestly, it's a bit daunting to me to rethink back to July 5th (diagnosis day) and recount my internal and external reactions to the cleft diagnosis of our son. Nearly on the daily, I read posts from moms who are just receiving a similar diagnosis of their unborn child and they bring me right back to reminiscing my dark days of fear, sadness, confusion, anger, etc. I know that my thoughts and feelings were normal and valid so I do not have guilt regarding them, but oh how I wish I knew then what I know now. That in the deepest part of my soul, I now have immense gratitude that he is ours and that I get to be his mom, that I have the purest and most genuine love for him and an unquestionable certainty that God does not make mistakes, he is absolutely perfect. There are so many random puzzle pieces collected from my past that have now been pieced together to form a clear picture, an understanding, an 'ah-ha' of making sense of God's plan. While I know that things won't be easy and my motherly heart is already aching at the thought of some difficult days ahead for him, my faith is at an all-time high and I have the strength and confidence to walk a path that just 4 months ago was completely unimaginable to me.
November 7th, 2018
I had been anticipating an early delivery throughout my entire pregnancy. Perhaps it was the shocking early delivery with the twins that had me on high anxiety, perhaps it was the cleft diagnosis and the catastrophizing of its implications or perhaps it truly was motherly instinct. We were 8 days out from our scheduled c-section and while I had this preconceived notion that he would arrive before November 15th, I had just succumbed to the idea of having a scheduled 39 weeker, proclaiming my acceptance of this fact to coworkers just the day before. A little woo-woo, but I'm so grateful that he decided to make his arrival on his time and there is calmness in knowing that he was ready to enter this world and not forced to do so. It was a day that definitely took us by surprise, but I'm thankful for how things smoothly fell into place with the spontaneity of it all. An agonizing thought, how could I have waited another 8 days to see and hold this little blessing we get to call ours?!?
Meaning of Oz: “strength, powerful, courageous”
Meet Oz Edward Nelson, my heart is so full <3
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We knew that it was imperative to figure out eating as soon as possible after birth and that it can be a difficult task, especially when a cleft palate is present. We started with the Dr.Brown's specialty bottle, or at least we wanted to give that a fair shot, but we quickly realized that most [or all?] nurses weren't familiar with the speciality bottle options for babies with cleft lips and/or palates. Good thing Derek is a direction-reader and innate problem-solver as he took the lead in figuring out how the specialty bottles work and found that the Haberman bottle offered us a bit more control over the flow of milk and Oz seemed to be eating an adequate amount with this method - so we went with it! While his birth weight dropped quite a bit initially, we slowly climbed back to a healthy range and only were kept at the hospital one more day for monitoring of Oz's intake.
The hospital provided us the first Haberman bottle, but we bought 3 additional bottles for our use as well as our daycare provider's at the cost of $90 - a bit more expensive than a traditional bottle! While feeding still seems to be going well for Oz, I do question if we should try the Dr. Brown's bottles again here soon as the time it takes to feed Oz could potentially be shortened quite a bit by a faster flow nipple. Not sure I want to throw a change-up in what seems to be a good thing at this time, but we will continue to take it one day at a time and watch for cues for when he is ready for a more aggressive bottle.
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We have confidently selected Dr. Munson and his Cleft Team at Sanford Health in Sioux Falls to lead and oversee Oz's health journey. I have to say that the process of selecting a cleft team was not an easy task by any means, but there was an immediate sense of knowing after my visit with Dr.Munson that I didn't have with any other consultation. My intuition was clear and I haven't questioned or second-guessed our decision once.
Dr.Munson came to the hospital to evaluate Oz which was so nice and convenient! Oz has an incomplete unilateral cleft lip and a complete cleft palate. He did not feel as though a lip adhesion is necessary for Oz and he felt confident in simply seeing Oz next on January 31st for lip and nose revision surgery. He said the surgery will take about 1 1/2 hours and will involve an overnight stay at Sanford Children's Hospital.
I realize I have crazy post-pregnancies hormones pumping through my system, but I don't think that's the sole reason to explain my numerous tears shed this last week at just the thought of the upcoming surgery. Yes, it's anesthesia and my child will be going under the knife - that is very worrying and stressful, but honestly what gets me most is that I think he is beautiful, absolutely perfect and I genuinely don't want to change a thing about him. When cleft mamas would post about having these thoughts and feelings I just couldn't relate or understand their emotional conflict...but yeah, I get it now and it's tough, really tough! So, I'm going to stare at him every chance I get and take as many pictures of him as possible as I know January 31st will be here before I know it. I'm confident that I'll love his forever smile, but I never ever want to forget how perfect God made him.
